Ms. Ashley, the coolest teacher in the school, gives students a rundown on the new COVID rules.

A Random White Actress proves that she can Ally with the best of them.

Woke Snow White reports on the reopening of Disney's parks from Disney CEO Bobby's Iger 100 acre estate.

Hola, Internet! Jose Andres is calling on you to #CancelGoya.

Bars in Wrigleyville reopened last weekend to huge crowds. Few patrons were seen wearing masks, however, despite the ongoing threat of COVID. Here to comment is Chad Brad Tad.

TV personality Huge Jass shows you can separate the art from the artist when enjoying Harry Potter.

Welcome to E(race)ism86x, the number 1 workout for post-racial America. When Black Lives Matter, but so do your abs, E(race)ism 86x is there for you!

Lana Del Rey responds to her critics.

An exposé revealing what lead to the downfall of beloved local figure, Peter Francis Geraci.

A word form the queen herself.

With social distancing guidelines making it impossible to perform their usual services, strip clubs are pivoting to innovative new business models. Here with an update on their programming are the owners of one of Chicago's most popular adult clubs.

The latest banger from Laura McKenzie off of her album, SONGS FROM MY ASS.

An exposé uncovering the REAL reason behind Britney Spear's home gym fire

An inside look at the upcoming season of the hit reality show.

The CDC has issued guidelines on how to properly wash your hands to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Here with a demonstration is Cari Bermudez.

Last week, President Trump suggested ingesting disinfectant could be a potential cure for Coronavirus. Here with response is the CEO of Lysol Corporation, John Lysol.

We take you inside the weekly conference between JB Pritzker and his staff.

We take you now to an AMA with one of the Shedd Aquarium's most popular penguins.

The Avian Op-Ed columnist of the Paper Machete explores the history of the Pony Express.

Kathleen Butler-Duplessis adapts the iconic American music for the time of the COVID-19 crisis.

One of the Machete's closest spiritual advisers weighs in on Easter in the time of COVID-19.

A few parting shots from our pal, Bernie Sanders.

Chicagoans know that our mayor, Lori Lightfoot, does NOT want us messing around outside. But you know who’s even more pissed off? Italian mayors. As viral videos in which they angrily scold their citizens aptly demonstrate. Let’s hear from one now, shall we?

Many of us have been forced to learn how to make comedy in our apartments in recent weeks, while others have been forced to learn how to home school their kids. Let's check in on a guy who'd had to do both. Here's Chicago standup Chris Santiago.

We were originally scheduled to rock out at the Green Mill this Saturday with one of our favorite bands, Bev Rage and the Drinks. Since that’s no longer an option, let’s check in with how Bev is handling her quarantine...

One of the only upshots of these new living conditions is that lots of people are checking in with friends and loved ones they haven’t talked to in a while. This seemed like a great occasion to check in with one of our favorite expat musicians, now living in Nashville. Here’s Phillip Michael-Scales.

While we don't know anyone who could credibly explain what’s happening to the economy, we CAN, at least, bring you a compelling stock-market racketeer parable. Here’s one of the internet’s most trustworthy raconteurs, Mark Chrisler.

Today, we bring you some musical comfort food from one of our regulars. Enjoy these tunes by the exquisite Kate Adams.

So, in a week of shocking headlines, surely one of the most depressing, if unsurprising, was the news that the Trump White House tried to buy the exclusive rights to a vaccine—that should be made available to everyone—from a team of German scientists. Here with more is Machete senior medical correspondent Herr Doctor Heinrich Vanderberger.

...this is the Paper Machete. Join us as we bring the show from the Green Mill to the Internet.